incognita

a note written with a date mark of april 27, several years ago - which i first discovered in my late oxford days. not quite sure who it was he, victor, wrote it for.

"...turn from the wall, and shrug off your coat of many sorrows. there are a thousand smiles waiting to guide you through the coming days.

turn not to the wall, but to the mirror, for there are eyebrow lines and white teeth so perfect that you overlooked them in your search for blemishes.

when the mirror has done with you, turn to the window, for the window can look back with different eyes and find those perfections, simply because you believe in them.

in the wall you will find nothing. in the mirror, you will find yourself. but in the window you will find whatever it is you seek.

someone else is somewhere looking through a window, which could in its turn become yours. i know you will not believe this, but that someone could find you beautiful.

for love sees no plainness or deformity within the window frame, only the clarity and perfection first seen in the mirrored image of the mind..."

and he concluded that love is always beautiful.

going down

owh... so this is the day. the thirtieth of june. 

the day when all my bags are packed, and when i am ready to go again. 

it is interesting to notice, while i wait here for a friend to come and travel together, that the sum of nine months of living here can fit into two suitcases, and one backpack. hoho!

my shoes are still the same. my haircut doesn't change that much, except from that which is shaped by the hat i like to wear recently. 

i'll be going down soon. well, someone once said that a journey back is better than the outward one. going nowhere or somewhere cannot compare with the joy of travelling down a familiar path that has no need of a signpost. the joy of going home. i think that's true.

but my trip this time is not exactly homeward bound as yet. true that i will not comeback here and occupy the same place in the wellington square. not anymore. i have come to the conclusion of my days in oxford. they keys will be returned. but i am not leaving for jakarta. my next host will be the streets of london. cikini street will certainly have to wait a little longer before we can hug each other again.

in this house, almost everyone is already leaving. only some remain to finish their business.

i know that i am going to miss a lot of things from this place and absolutely from the experience we've got from these extraordinary days. maxim, gillian, john, helen, smitha, nicola, cassy, sandra, see you guys! all the best with your future plans!

fsp lastly

in less than twelve hours i will be sitting in an examination room in keble college. all of us, eighteen students from more than ten countries, are expected to be there fifteen minutes before the test begins. 

this one, on diplomatic practice, will be the first of four tests that we have to take in this coming week. 

we are required to wear oxford's traditional exam dress and follow the rule of how they conduct the exams here. and so for that today i have made sure that my white bow tie, black suit, gown and cap are ready. also if i am lucky, someone will give me a white flower tomorrow to complete the dress code. 

i also have prepared myself with some reading materials related to the topics i plan to answer tomorrow. it is my hope that the questions will correspond to what i have learned and memorised, such as international organisations, us' foreign policy, public diplomacy, and non-proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. these are among the topics i try to elaborate tomorrow.

and then, in the following day, i should look into the debates in international relations theories, touch the fundamental idea of the 'english school' and constructivism, revisit the main causes of the end of the cold war seen from what was going on in both the soviet union and the united states, and perhaps anticipate to write something about the cosmopolitan democracy too.

furthermore, on the economics exam, hmm... perhaps i have to read more on the current account deficit, regionalism versus multilateral trade, foreign direct investment, and washington consensus... 

and last but not least, on international law, i should cover the topics from the legality of the use of force, the law of the sea, immunity of state and its officials, to states' responsibility. 

and i hope that will be all. 

now i wish to say to all my classmates this: friends, we all have studied hard all these terms. we have read all the journals, chapters of books, articles, international treaties, and pages of key readings for our dissertation; we have written over twenty essays during the entire programme; we have sat for countless hours in our tutorial sessions - with antonios too, in our lectures, in the bus that took us to the study tour; we have dined and played together too. well, now, we can see the gate that will take us to the end all of these labour is looming on the horizon. four doors, guys. in just one week. and then that's it. the last lap of the fsp.

so i wish you all the best with these exams! good luck! shine oooon!

a prelude to a finale

and so the fourth week of trinity is almost over. half way to the end of the road. and the rest will not be so easy. but this is already expected. i can see it from here, that the road ahead will go uphill. climbing is the only way to get there. no matter how slow or how fast you walk or run, the gravity will certainly demand from you an extra labour if you really want to scale. whether or not you are prepared, no one can exactly tell. perhaps no one is actually ever ready for undertaking such kind of heaviness. the best you can do, perhaps, is work steadily and keep on walking. like frank sinatra said, it's the time to bite off more than you can chew.

what i need in the coming days will be some big chunks of liberty between my hours of routinity. i will have to find those times in this trinity. and when i do, no matter how tiny, i will use them to finish my duty. to finally say to the whole party, this is my conclusion, my accomplished responsibility... inchalla.

new fashion in town

although i am not professionally a fashion designer, who can share clever opinion on whether green and purple are match with each other, or which one of them should be a little bit brigther, lately i can judge that houses dress themselves to fit this season's colours. and they look better.

also the bikes. they put make up in vibrant shapes and colours and looked much merrier. perhaps soon the other permanent residents of the city will have to adjust their outward costumes too. hohoo...

"this is my new green cloth," says the house to the bikes.

"and these are our purple balloons," replied the bikes.

the beauty of the future

"vahd, if you could only remember how it looked like in the future, you would see how beautiful it is. and it helps you to better understand and memorise the present and the past."

when lillian said that to me, my mind went beyond their context. a few steps across the border of meanings. my instant reaction when hearing that sentence was smiling and thinking to myself, "how could i possibly 'remember' how something looked like 'in the future'?"

i have no crystal ball to consult.

well, in fact, i don't need one. all i need is my lecture notes. and a heavier dose of focus and consentration while in the classroom.

because afterall, lillian is my native french teacher. and she was about to teach me the easiest way to memorise various forms of tenses in french.

"voila, lillian. je n'oublierai pas 'le futur'." i came so far for beauty.

collegium sanctae crucius oxoniae

when i try to think through about my laptop that doesn't work, i started to figure out that it is perhaps not entirely a bad thing that the graphic card is not functioning.

perhaps i need some rest from it, and it from me too.

like love, it sometimes needs holiday, doesn't it?

after a few days without a working laptop in my room, the rhythm of my life began to change. i feel it now, today. when i walked from my house to this place, a small loft in my college, saint cross, an attic library room with two racks of books and four computers to use. i go out of my room more often. and i meet people more here in this little space, although mostly it is nick a friend from germany, or nicola from korea.

there is no music in my room. no radio, no television. so it is more tranquil now. and i can distance myself from news and from the internet when it is not essential. i just use my room to rest and relax. i can see better of what i really need, what is necessary and what is supplementary. no work until midnight anymore because i use my time differently. only when i really want, i can come downstairs and use the piano in the college's saugman's common room. playing the same chords that i know by heart. or just improvise and pretend that i'm billy joel - when no one is watching, of course.

i also wonder how many extra hours that i have now just from doing something else than randomly clicking here and there. i make use more of my lunch box, because when i work here, i am far from my kitchen. so to safe time and some pounds, i cook more, vegetarian food - strangely, take some with me in the box, and make more coffee or tea and put it in my flusk, and read more here in silence, and all is happening, i think, after my laptop needs some rest.

and today i made phone calls to my friends. one is treated because of his illness, and one is going to get married soon. so happy to hear from them. only about ten minutes each, but it was such a different thing to hear their voices again. not only texts. well, this paraghaph, like the title of this posting, has nothing to do with my laptop story really - i just feel like writing it here...

now, back about my laptop, i really don't know whether or not i should replace or fix it soon.

hmm, above all of those things i mentioned, there is also one story that i can not forget. it was an experience from one of my bus trips in the continental europe two weeks ago. i sat next to this man, a student like me who lost his laptop, money, and all essential documents during his travel. and from his talk on the phone, explaining to his relatives of how difficult it was for him to loose everything important, i know i can not say that my situation here is the end of everything.

i still have my time, and a space to learn from the things i experience and those around me. i will try to think again when something undesireable happened, maybe there's somewhere that it wants to lead me to. so when things go bad, i should not immediately get worried. i will try to stay calm, and carry on.

fourty five parallel

ah, it's home, home again.

the room is not tidy, but it's my own room now, not a hotel room or someone else's room. it's warm in a special way even when the heater is off. and even if all you have is a bag full of dirty laundries and a fridge without food left. you are back, so it's okay.

well, this is my first full day here. i came back from the eurpean continent yesterday morning. i took a bus from the lowland through belgium and france and a ferry that departed from calais port at two in the morning. cold and rainy it was. plus one hour across the strait, and landed again in dover harbour...

and then victoria station bid me a sleepy welcome as i made it to london at five thirty in the morning. the streets were yet empty. but the coffee shop was fortunately open.

it was a mixed emotion that i felt when i see england again. already i missed the people i met in the continent. something in me feels that the entire trip seems surreal, if you know what i mean. the towns i visited, the transportation methods i chose, the timing of my travel, the fantastic people i met, the activities i did, the stories shared between us... it was all just right.

and today, i feel restored. i am ready to resume my dissertation work although my laptop still has not worked yet. it has been angry at me since we were in paris... makes me "oi oi oi".

well, at least now i am back in the fourty five parallel. oxford.

"welcome back vahd," said john;

"vahd, i used your rice cooker when you were away, it's a good machine," confessed smitha;

"about your laptop problem, don't worry, i can transfer your files from the hard disc to your external one for free," daqi assured me;

"oh, it's very nice to see you again vahd... by the way do you know, i have to see a dentist today," said sandra...

ho ho ho... wonderful friends they are.

after a day of resting, now i think it's time to read, think, and write again, and continue my days as a student.

but before anything else, i sincerely want to thank all my friends and relatives who have been very kind and hospitable during my journey. you made it such a meaningful and unforgetable trip to me... so thank you, thank you very much indeed.

pipin

have a safe long journey home dear friend.
your departure was quick, and came as a surprise, though i knew it wasn't the real end.
the news of your losing of a dearest one, was truly among the hardest to overcome.
when i walked home that night, i did not stop praying for you and your family. except when i had to receive calls from our friends who wanted to learn about your condition.
i wish you are blessed with strength to bear the calamity and great fortitude to move on mightily.
have a safe long journey dear friend.
until you return again, stay brave!

into the grey of winter

at the latter part of the day, a small walk was done.

port meadow

well, if i look at the way i finish my homeworks this week, i think i have most of the things i wanted to do done. the priorities, the secondaries, tertiaries and quaternaries... are all well arranged in time. leave the rest for another week. thanks to the planning. this weekend i may have time to take benny's offer of doing a short hike across the countryside.

visiting the trout sounds very tempting to me.

legend has it that the trout has the most delightful setting by the bridge with a large terrace looking out onto the river thames. to stroll up the port meadow in the late afternoon sun and have a picnic while nestling on the banks of the thames is going to be one of the most memorable things to do in oxford.

let's pray the sun will be on our side.

---

"she keeps some moet and chandon in her pretty cabinet...."

come to where the flavor is

this coming saturday will be asia pacific food festival day in corpus christi college. after a week full of intense assignments, here comes the fun part. all indonesian students in oxford are united to contribute to this delicious event. there are less than twenty of us but we will entertain at least two hundred portions of special dishes from our homeland.

many other asian students unions will participate too. our decision to penetrate the event came in the last moments. and so the competition for the menu started earlier as we must avoid cooking the same dish presented by other groups.

the supreme council of kitchen duchess already decided what our menu will be. the other crews will do their best to make sure their decision on nasi goreng bali (fried rice), dadar gulung (rolled coconut pancake), gado-gado (vegetable mix) and sate reign on saturday night.

ah, i can already smell the food in my mind...

the one that's coming next

it is about the time for me to revisit southeast asia, at least in thought if not in physical form. i have always been carrying the idea since the day i depart, and it seems that the interest have formed a more recognizable shape nowadays. a shape that's not always present. but when it is, there is an appetite to make it closer to me. it's like a warm pillow you find next to you when you wake up in the morning. you know you can't take it all day with you, but it feels justified to hug it for the last few seconds before you go taking shower.

as to revisit southeast asia, if the decision is made, it will bring further consequences. it's like many other decisions we make, basically. but to revisit it, even if merely in thought, has two contradictory directions. one leads me to additional works of reading and preparation to write something - hopefully; and the other one takes me to a state of temporary peace - also hopefully. which one comes first doest really matter. they both are like two next stops from this point to get to southeast asia. ah, what a curious roadmap.

i find the situation is challenging. the clock is ticking. each second comes and goes whether you are aware of it or not. night is getting longer. but sleeping time is not. i pray that before weekend comes i already have a clue.

oi, oi, oi...

another kind of rain has just poured down

heavy wind has caused this.
the blanket of green is now half yellowed.
by the falling leaves.

and here is another perspective of the park
right in front of the house where i reside:











"ah, look at that bench over there, what a perfect spot to have a picnic lunch isn't it?"

isis and iffley

if you walk under the rain, it is easy to think for a bowl of hot noodle soup. hmm…

last saturday i walked alongside the river isis, from the floyds row in south oxford, downstream to the village of iffley. with ben and rangga. three of my countrymen trying to defeat the cold shower of november rain. no one carried any umbrella.

on our left hand side, the river. rowers from different colleges were seen practicing hard to get prepared for the next month's championship. all wet. on our right hand side, meadows. cows, horses, swans and empty fields with occasional bushes. the horses are bigger than those you see around ganeca street of bandung city.

we walked to reach the site of a very old water mill of iffley. built in the 11^th century, survived for eight hundred years of grounding malt, barley, corn and other cereals, the mill was burnt down in 1908.

at the end of our trek, we arrived at a lock next to a small chapel where the mill used to be located. it’s called mill lane, close to the site of the 12^th century norman parish church st mary the virgin.

i know that not everybody loves rain. but among those who love it will understand how it feels to smell the crisp air. the sound of raindrops, the dark misty sky, the chilly air and the good companies… the place has just some resemblances to an empty street i used to visit in lembang of west java. some pine trees would make it looked more similar.

niki, you would love to be here.

isis is the origin of thames river. if you follow the stream, it will eventually take you down south, there where you can find london town...

wellington square park

as often happen in the days of our life, time goes in a speed that somehow seems too fast leaving no moment for us to reconcile with it.

however there are but some few captured moments, which we reflect as our most memorable impression of such times.

now, the town is in the embrace of the autumn. the season squeezes it tightly, letting all the possible colours to come out in forms of falling leaves, decorating the streets sophisticatedly.

soon, winter will unveil its truest face, and the wind and the rain will cover much of the darkest days of this shire.

but the rejoice of our hearts, with the companion of the light-hearted friends, free thinkers of all over the land and various continents, and the warmth of our long black gowns, surely, all will be more bearable.

as it was told, it has been so for hundreds of years. and it will be the same again this time: six years since the day of the first snow.

and i feel, to borrow a quote from dylan, as if i was so much older then, six years ago, and that i’m younger than that now.

memory

many of the things they practice today here in england, and here in oxford more specifically, are based on tradition.

they conserve their way of doing things very rigoriously. and this kind of routine is not regulated by law. it is just a rule of the game that everyone must follow. from one generation to the next they pass the tradition steadily. and everyone i know is quite happy to embark this way of tradition willingly.

if one asks the logic explanation for, say, why should we wear dark suit, plain-white shirt, white bow tie, black shoes and black gown for matriculation, the answer is of course because they have been doing it for hundreds of years. so why change now? they said.

hmm...

now, imagine a professor saying this to you:

"please try to be on time, because the dinner has never been late for four hundred years."



and this is a sample picture of how the dinner table looks like. i took this picture in one of the oldest college, called "new college", dated back from around the 13th century.

to the four corners of the earth

this picture was taken somewhere on the road from london to oxford, last friday. now i am on my fourth day here in oxfordshire, the region in england where oxford is located. matthew arnold, a poet from the 19th century, beautifully described oxford in his poem thyrsis as a sweet city of dreaming spires, one that needs not june for its beauty's heightening.

i spent my first days wandering around the old town and trying to provide myself a proper basic knowledge for survival.

i am grateful and humbled to be here, especially that it is autumn. you can walk the road and feel that crispness in the air and the smell of fall. also, i always find the falling leaves scattered around my window pane each time i return to my room. that is a true sign of nature's cycle of course.

the place where i reside now is a victorian house. i occupy half of its lower ground. so low that when you sit on the chair looking at the window, you could see only the legs of the passerby. not their faces. it's more as a sanctuary, especially because phone signal can hardly touch me down here. hohoo...

but i am content. you see this house now. well, it's not exactly the one where i live. but i like it. it has a red dress to fit the season's fashion. in autumn, it is quite fashionable for houses to "wear" that maroon gown. soon, it will turn yellow, before the fresh of green come again together with spring.

i name this picture "call me autumn".

as of the place where i live, it is a hall provided by my college st. cross. i have already had some ideas to explore about this college. but first, let me share with you that i feel at home here. the college has a motto that goes like this "ad quattour cardines mundi", which means "to the four corners of the earth". sounds adventurous to me. hoho...

your time is gonna come

october could be so moist to me.

there.